Out of the mouths of parents; the improbable things we say in a week's time

There is nothing so capable of humbling any of us as being parents.  Think of it this way, in all of the James Bond movies, did you ever see him sitting at the dining room table trying to explain compound fractions to a 10 year old?  Did you ever see him trying to get a four year old from the front door to the back seat of his Aston Martin without having her jump in every snow bank and mud puddle between the two points?  No - Hollywood is a dream world - they would never show old 007 completely over his head; at the mercy of two kids he adores yet who drive him to say stupid things. He gets all the easy stuff.

Parenting causes you to kind of reinvent yourself, doesn't it?  I love to tease that I was cool at one time in my life.  My memories of college are that as a college senior I was somehow funny - a bit of a character.  Now, 23 years later, I am 100% caricature.  The precise thought of how really odd this parenting thing would be first struck me the day I lifted my two year old son up in the middle of a crowded restaurant, held his tiny little backside up to my face, whiffed, and then proclaimed to his mother "He's fine!"  When I realized that I did this with the same ease and fluidity of motion as I do putting on my coat or flipping on the computer I knew then that my world would be forever changed.

I also knew at that time, based on the two distinct groups of people I noticed staring at me as I lowered my giggling son; those, mouths agape, staring in disbelief at my complete lack of couth, and those meeting my gaze and nodding in silent agreement - the parents - that I was joining a select group of hearty adventurists.

Since that day I have been barfed on, peed on, pooped on, cried upon, searched the skate park for shards of two broken teeth, and it seems to me that every sweatshirt I own has at one time or another been a welcome hanky to a kid with a sinus infection.  I have learned more about Rota-virus and the differences in boogers than most epidemiologists and have along the way said some things that, for lack of a better word, make me feel like an idiot.

So today, an experiment - I have tried here to isolate the most idiotic, absurd, maddening words and phrases and exchanges occurring within the four walls of my home for the last week.

1.  "Hey you - whatever your name is...please don't color the cat."  You can never remember their names when you really need to.  Most days I call them "Moe and Larry."  Yes, I am aware one of them is a girl...

2.  "Whose poop is this?" (like I was gonna call "dibs" or something...).

3.  To my ten year old, who seems to be on some kind of iPod sponsored life support - "When I was a kid, iPod Touch was called a baseball mitt."

4.  "Not all farts are funny..." (to my son and his 11 year old cousin)

5.  "Hey, you know what?" (said to the same kid standing in my kitchen staring blankly at the open maw of a dishwasher waiting to be filled.
"What?" He says back to me, in a trance...
"Your "not helping me" (air quotes installed)...it's not helping me..."

6.  "I've told you a million times to keep your hands to yourself!  Now get over here and give your sister a hug and kiss goodnight..."

7.  "There's nothing coming out of your closet.  I'm the scariest thing in this house and I am right here - You're fine so go back to bed!"

8.  "Did you toot?" (there were only two of us in the car and I was pretty sure it wasn't me who dealt it).

9.  "Don't you point that sword at your sister!"  Yes, we have swords - plural.  And why did I say "don't point that at her" when he was across the room?  Was I afraid it was going to go off accidentally while he was cleaning it or something?

10.  "Eat your dinner"  This comment in and of itself is neither silly nor absurd.  What is both silly and absurd is that I would have to say it 92 times in a single meal to my four year old.  I can't wait for her to master reading so I can just get it printed on a sweatshirt and be done with it.

11.  "What do you mean you left your shirt at school?  Didn't you notice you weren't wearing one when you got on the bus to come home?"  (this was absolutely one of my favorite "Dad" moments ever - it was from last year, not last week, but a good one none the less. :-) Just being there when he skinned off his coat like it was perfectly normal to come home from school without his shirt.  God I love that boy :-)

12.  To either of them, several times during the course of the week "whatwereyoudoinganddon'tyoudaresayIdon'tknow?!" (comes out as all one word a million miles an hour.  Have to say it all at once and quickly otherwise they get two or three seconds to think up a plausible lie).

13.  To no one in particular "Who wrote on the wall by the bathroom...?"  Silence, silence, silence....then comes a wee little squeaky voice two rooms away "well....it could have been Michael...or maybe a monster...but I probably think it was Michael...it sure wasn't me...." Suggesting it might have been a monster was actually a very wise gambit for a girl only four years old. The offending graffiti was right by the basement stairs, and we all know that's where most of the monsters live.

14.  This next one was more Kristin than me - Wednesday night we had to take our cat, the brown one, to the vet.  Turns out she is kind of pretty sick.  I actually feel bad for her.  So, it was a tough night all around.  So after making a stop for some cat things to make the brown one more comfortable, I decided I was too tired to cook when we got home.  "I'll call for Chinese" I said.

So I place the order for delivery and we drive home. 25 minutes later the doorbell rings and the 4 year old races to get it. Looking out the door she announces "DAD! It's the Chinese, they're here!"  The delivery man was, you guessed it, Chinese.

15.  And the all time topper in this category comes from my dad, to me, when I was questioning him about genetics and his family.  His father and my grandmother were divorced when my father was two.  So I never knew my grandfather on my dad's side.

When we were pregnant with our oldest, the topic turned to genetics over dinner one night and I am afraid my dad got a bit defensive at Outback steak house.  Tired of the topic, he eventually slammed his hand down on the table, palm down, resulting a terrific clattering of dishes and silverware, and proclaimed:

"This is bullsh*t!" he growled, "your genes start with me!"  I cherish that memory - so wonderfully him <3

So thanks for stopping by my blog today.  I hope wherever you are or whoever you are with; you are sharing time with people whose company delights you and whose future development is so important and vital to you that the urgency of it causes you to say improbably silly things.

Dennis
smalltowndad@hotmail.com