An Extraordinary Ordinary hero...

This age of blogging and instant publishing - everything from the miraculous to the mundane is fair game for the on-line community.  Evidence of that fact is that on these very electronic pages, the two most popular stories are the one I wrote about Chicken Dino Nuggets and the one about how my wonderful daughter was one act of generosity away from never being born.  And Dino Nuggets is beating Miracle Daughter by about 150 pageviews. You just never know what written word will resonate with people.

Such is the case with this entry - which is about my mother.  She is not perfect; she'll be the first to tell you that.  But none of us are, are we?  She is, however, a wonder - I really think there ought to be a movie made of her life. 

There just don't seem to be any people like her, other than her, in my life. If she was a ship's captain, I would sail exclusively with her.  She has been surviving cancer since I was a young man - since 1985.  In that quarter of a century there have been close calls, and surgeries, and chemo, and moments of desperation.  All of what you would expect from a mother of four living with cancer.  Just consider - my sister was 12 when our mother was diagnosed with breast cancer.  When she began this road, she worried about what the diagnosis meant for her then 12 year old daughter and that daughter's three older brothers.  Now, those four kids have 13 kids themselves - the oldest of which will be 21 this year. 

What is remarkable about the last 25 years is the courage, peace, and heroism she has shown.  She is a living testament to the adage of "It ain't what happens to you that matters, it's how you deal with it that counts."  Through all of her struggles she has been upbeat, positive, and inspirational.  The leadership she has mustered in stealing her life back from this disease is an example my children will have to guide them the rest of their lives. Sadly, she is not a blogger - that much is all of our loss.  She has so many gifts - expression and understanding are two of her many impressive strengths.  It would be nice to have her impressions of the extraordinary heroism she has shown in the face of this perpetual uncertainty that is living with cancer.  She would blow it off, chalk it up to her parents and theirs who were exceptionally brave and strong people.  She would think herself "just ordinary."  Well, it is not the time for eulogies and there is lots left to do, but she shared some things recently that I wanted to pass along.

She maintains a page on line where she shares from time to time her feelings. With her permission, I will include her words here as the site's second-ever guest blogger.  Just a brief snapshot image, preserved here for my kids and other readers of these pages, so that all might know a little about this amazing woman who is my mom.  The post below was entered on her carepages site at www.carepages.com/joanscave

Dear Hearts and Gentle Friends, so we now have experienced 3 more months of great living. Here we have cause to pause and reflect. Consider what constitutes a 'normal' day. Joy, friendship, good food, adventure, stuff to do, people who love and need you and looking forward to tomorrow. We expect that tomorrow will be just like today. These great tomorrows seem endless. We never want them to change. Then one day, suddenly, it DOES change. No reason, just the ever progression of the stars and planets working their way through the vast hopes of tomorrow. Then, like Japan, suddenly all the tomorrows take on a new shape. We assign new priorities. The new priorities part is a good thing. It reminds us not to take tomorrow for granted. Don't spend today, as precious as it is, in anger, or worry or disappointment or other negative emotions. Those things won't change a thing only take away today. Not a good trade. Take my advice; I'm not using it myself at the moment. So this is where I am today.

I have thought long and hard about whether or not to share this with you. But I have decided that you are my balcony people. You are the wind beneath my wings. If you were not there, I would surely fall into the abyss of depression and hopelessness. There are those among you, and you know who you are, who are the fountains of optimism. You are always bright and sunny and bring me laughs and joy and hope and very importantly, distractions. God, how I need distractions. They are my lifeline. So, here's the scoop.

As you already know, that all important CA 27/29 has been steadily rising. Okay, we have done scans and tests and we don't know why it continues to rise. Formerly, my great fear was that the big C would reach my liver. We know it has done that. However, we also know that the drugs I have been given have put up a formidable front and that seems to be somewhat under control for the moment. However, still the numbers escalate. We are now in the 400's. The last place to look for activity is the brain. Cancer attacks places in the body that are rich in blood. That would be lungs, bones, liver and brain. We've covered 3 of the 4 and we know it's present in those 3 places to one degree or another. The most heavily infected is bone. The doctor now feels that the brain must be investigated.

I am very afraid. I don't have the optimism that some of you possess. I am at best, a weak pessimist. I have been accused, and rightly so, of being a perennial crepe hanger. Guilty. I always thought if it attacked my brain I wouldn't want to know. Just let me die in peace. But then, what if there is hope? What if it could be stopped? What if it isn't there.....yet? Is it better to know, or not know? If it's in my brain what will I do? Of course, if it isn't in my brain I will celebrate and still worry about where is it. I have had friends that have had cancer and they couldn't locate it and they died never knowing where it was. What are my tomorrows to be? You also know that I firmly believe that dying is not the worst thing than can happen to you. There are things that are much much worse. And if it is to be that my brain becomes a prison for my body, then I sincerely want the plug to be pulled and I will join my parents and others that I love that have gone before me. Ones that taught me not only how to live, but also how to die. I am so grateful for them.

Do I have a bucket list? You betcha. If I can't attain my bucket list will the sky fall? Probably not. The sun will continue to get up in the east and go down in the west. However there are things on my bucket list that I desperately want to accomplish. If I can't complete my mission, then I have to leave it to God to send in a replacement and I need to have the faith that He will do it. It's said that God never shuts a door without opening a window. Please, God, I pray that that is true.

So here I am. Please don't ask me how I am. Don't tell me that I'm brave. I don't feel very brave at the moment. I don't want to discuss this business. I just want distractions and fun and laughter with you my loved ones. So, ultimately, I am in God's hands. You are the messengers and the supporting angels. You are the carriers of God's messages of hope and love. I know you will lift me up. I know you will keep me in your prayers and that's all I ask. You are my balcony people that hold me aloft and make me feel loved and wanted. There is nothing better. I love you all and I will keep you informed.

The MRI of the brain is scheduled for Tuesday the 22nd. If the dr. calls me then I will know. If she doesn't call me, then I will feel better. My next appointment is scheduled for the 18th. I know you're there. I love you all. Let's all just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep showing up. Above all, keep breathing, stay vertical and mobile.

Love, ME

Thanks for stopping by my blog today, and for sharing the words from my mom.  She is a wonder.  I hope wherever you are, whoever you are with today - you look them squarely in the face and, if you love them, tell them.  And tell them why - because it's important that they should know.  And if there is something you can forgive, then forgive it - let it go.  A wise woman once told me "...don't spend today, as precious as it is, in anger, or worry or disappointment or other negative emotions. Those things won't change a thing; only take away today...."  I hope today, and for the rest of your days, you make each day a good one free from anger, worry, disappointment, or other negative emotions.

Dennis
smalltowndad@hotmail.com

There but for the grace of God…

Last night I was watching my oldest walk through the family room.  It is a nightly ritual – I come home from work, cook dinner, we clean up from dinner, and then, when the last bubble from the last bit of suds isn’t even popped, Michael will venture out into the kitchen and shove his head into the pantry.

Unlike me, he is lean and athletic.  Oh sure, I suppose there was a day when you might have said I bordered on athletic.  I played baseball, golf, and softball and I lettered in tennis in high school.  But never in my life would I have ever been described as “lean.”

Michael on the other hand is lean and strong.  When he went for his snorkeling badge at Boy Scouts his scout leader was worried that whenever he got into the pool he sunk like a lawn dart.  No fat on the kid whatsoever. SO maybe I shouldn’t worry so much about the constant grazing, but I do.

Every night I watch him go through the house, growing by the day, with his cheery smile and perfect posture.  In the blink of an eye he has gone from being my cute little side-kick to being every inch of 5 feet tall and encroaching on the frontier of adolescence.  He is well on his way to being a fine young man.  I watch him move through his world and I just want everything to slow down. He teeters on the abyss of puberty.  He has been such an excellent boy that I long desperately for that little boy to hang around just a bit longer.

And the girl, his sister – the four year old who I am certain will some day be a pharaoh somewhere; I watch her and it is obvious that she is growing by leaps and bounds.  The pajamas she got for Christmas are now fitting her about like they are clamdiggers.  Two weeks ago I stood at the bottom of the stairs and watched her descend early on a Saturday morning.  My brain literally came to life in my head and, as if it had a separate personality, began hammering away on every frequency shouting to me an urgent message to remember that moment, to freeze its quiet and rare beauty forever in some less traveled part of my brain.  There she stood, stuffed animal and pillow in arms and slippers on feet she tip-toed down the stairs, gave me a hug, and whispered “good morning daddy, I love you.  How’dya sleep/”

Again I told myself to stretch out time, play the four corner offense, use every second of life’s shot clock to my advantage.  I cannot believe the great good fortune I have to just share in the beauty of these two kids.

So it was this morning when we all awoke to the news of Japan’s horrible earthquake and the subsequent devastation of the resulting tsunami that I was reminded to take nothing for granted.  The kids all got extra hugs and kisses this morning.  The “I love yous” were pronounced and embellished with good eye contact and a warm embrace. With each kid I indulged in a final intoxicating inhalation of their hair.

I couldn’t get over the haunting vision of that mass of debris moving relentlessly in slow but unstoppable motion across the Japanese countryside.  It reminded me that there is no stopping nature.  There is no pause button while you gather your thoughts, collect your wits, or rearrange your plan.  Living is doing, loving is a deliberate commitment, and legacy is a luxury not all are guaranteed.

So today, in the shadow of great suffering and loss of life in Japan, my only plan is to kiss those two little farts squarely on their faces, tousle their hair, hug them like there is no tomorrow and to let them stay up munching popcorn until their mom says it’s way too late for little people to be up.  Tomorrow we wake up to a day of ballet, and baseball camp, and then a family outing to the movies. Because what we do becomes what we are, and what we are eventually becomes what we were.  So today we will honor those in Japan and everywhere, by making the most of our lives together. Today we will live reverently the words “there, but for the Grace of God, go I.”

We’ll laugh and hug and share inside jokes.  And that will be the only plan.  The solitary mission – to revel in each other.  Because today is all that any of us are ever promised – no matter how much we wish for it to slow down, to stop, to live on forever unchanged.  Today is the best chance we’ll ever have to be the best we can be to each other.

Wherever you are today, thanks for stopping in and sharing this moment with me and my family.  I hope you are well and that those you hold dear are safe and free from harm.  Wherever you are today, I hope you take a minute or two to find the best you can be to those you love, and then to make it a plan to be that.

Dennis

smalltwondad@hotmail.com    

How to help (I have not checked all of these out, this list is reposted from another blog):

United Methodist Committee on Relief (UMCOR) – This is the United Methodist Church’s disaster response organization, and is one of the best church-based response groups in the world. Donations can be accepted through the International Disaster Relief fund.

Red Cross: The American Red Cross, according to its website, have opened up emergency operation centers. Donations to relief efforts can be made here. It may also be appropriate to look into the International Federation of Red Cross, as well. You can also try the Japanese Red Cross Society here. (However, I am not finding a solid place to donate just yet to the Japanese Red Cross, which is understandable.)

AmeriCares: You can donate to relief efforts that are ongoing by AmeriCares by clicking here.

World Relief: You can donate to relief efforts here.

World Vision: According to the organization’s website, the group is preparing to respond to the disaster. You can make a donation by clicking here.

Samaritan’s Purse: The North Carolina-based organization is still considering what relief efforts it will undertake, but you can donate here.

Operation Blessing International: The organization says it has teams standing by to respond. There is a Disaster Relief fund that you can contribute to here.

Giving Children Hope: This California-based organization is in the process of sending emergency relief to Japan. You can donate here.

For a more general list of disaster relief organizations, you can click here.

Stuff I learned, volume I...

I’ve had a couple of job interviews in the last few weeks.  Nothing Earth shattering but opportunities I am none the less very excited about.  One is a teaching opportunity – something on the side – and the other is an opportunity to do basically the same job I am doing now but in a different area of my present employer.  During both interviews, the topic of my education came up.  I was astonished to realize that until I surpass 48 years of age, I will be able to say, counting everything, I have spent more than half my life in school.

That’s not a boast – trust me – perhaps if I had spent more than a good portion of that time inventing something or writing the next great American novel, I wouldn’t be interviewing for a second job or driving a mini-van as my primary means of transportation.  (My Ferrari is in the shop, getting wider seats installed).

No, the really significant thing about the amount of time I spent in school is how much I learned when I wasn’t in school. Some examples:

1)  For the last ten days or so we were dog-sitting my sister’s adorable, cartoon like pug puppy, “Beans.”  I have written here before that we are a cat family.  We are.  So the advent of a dog in our home was thrilling for everyone, myself included.  Thus it was understandable when it came time to take Beans home that there were long faces among the children.  In trying to comfort my daughter, after we said our good-byes to Beandiggity, I snuggled her up and asked her if she was going to dream of him that night.  She yawned, shook her head gently and said to me, sleepily “probably going to be rocket-shoes tonight, Dad.”

So – one thing I learned that never showed up in any of my classes is that four year olds dream of rocket-shoes. At some point we grown-ups stop dreaming of rocket-shoes.

2)  Fifth grade is hard.  Fourth grade was hard.  I don’t know if kids these days are doing more work than when I was in school, but I am constantly amazed by how much work my oldest is doing at school – and the subjects he is studying.  So far we have had physics and algebra, geometry and all kinds of really terrific history lessons.  My fear is that, at this rate, by the time he hits high school he will have surpassed all of my abilities and be completely on his own.  I am sure he too is looking forward to the day when his parents can’t help him with his homework. 

So – a second thing I have learned, and it took me leaving school, having kids, and having those kids go off to school themselves –is that I had incredible public school teachers.  I cannot believe how much of this stuff I remember.  But more than that, I can literally in my mind hear them talking to me about different topics.  So – to my teachers – many of whom are likely shaking their heads that this kid ever graduated college, let alone grad school and law school, I say “Thanks!” and remind them that their efforts were neither wasted nor taken for granted.

3)  My mother is in cahoots with some powerful and dark forces to have worked such magic as she has in the curse she put on me.  I was not a terrific kid.  It all began for me when I read this book entitled “Peck’s bad boy.”  I read it when I was in around the fourth grade and found it so funny that it forever changed my life.  I went from being this sweet little kid to the kind of kid who would shoot out windows with a bb gun, put salt in his great aunt’s bed, and warm up flat root beer and serve it to my dad as coffee.  It is a miracle I was not sold into servitude on some kind of commercial vessel before I ever hit puberty.

So – what I learned is that my mom’s curse “I hope someday you have a kid just like you” is a really interesting one.  Because both of my kids are way way way better kids than I ever was and both of them are an absolute handful when they want to be.  You could also add to this topic that I learned to pay a lot of attention to the kinds of books my kids are reading and that for every year I age, my mom gets about 10 times smarter than I thought she was (and I always thought she was pretty smart).

4)  Kill it and grill it – lastly I will share with you here a secret of terrific grilling for steaks. Some of you, dear friends, may be vegetarians or vegans.  More power to you – you are welcome to stop by any night and I will make sure your steak finds an appreciative home.  Mine is a carnivore’s habitat – no apologies there.  If God didn’t wanted us to eat cows then why did he make them so delicious?

I never learned this while I was in college nor while I was working in any one of four or five different restaurants along the way.  And I have come to realize there all kinds of spices you can use on a cowboy cut rib eye depending on your taste.  Some might use butter and kosher salt; some use a kind of bullion powder with garlic salt and some, those who also might put a paper umbrella and lime in their beer, might use a store bought marinade.  Whatever – it’s up to you.  But the one thing you must do with any decent steak is to let the meat come up to room temperature before you grill it.  This might be counterintuitive to everything you ever learned about food safety, but trust me.  Take that steak out of the fridge and cover it loosely with Saran Wrap for an hour or so before you cook it on a grill that is as hot as you can get it.

Any germs you were worried about by letting the meat sit out will not survive the Armageddon of your grill and the meat will be as tender as you can possibly imagine – especially if you buy a good cut.

So – the thing I learned was this – sometimes the thing you have to do to get the desired result is the exact opposite of the thing that you are inclined to.  Try it and see if a different approach yields better results.

Those are my thoughts for today.  Thanks for stopping by my blog.  Wherever you are, whoever you are with, I hope your childlike spirit is intact enough so that tonight, if you try hard enough, you can find the joy of dreaming of rocket-shoes.

Dennis

smalltowndad@hotmail.com