Small Town Mompetitions

Recently I was reminded of the nature of competition.  The exact details aren't really important.  An old friend (female) was having some issues with a circle of women involved in a civic project.  One said the wrong thing to another, the other took offense thinking that her child, about whom the comment had been made, was slighted and it was on - the brawl to end it all, the war to settle the score - the Mompetition.

It's the same all over, isn't it? A group of moms is thrown together under whatever circumstances and it won't be long until it is obvious that one parent favors her child over another for some arbitrary reason. Maybe she seeks an advantage for her child over something pointless or perhaps says the wrong thing to another parent that betrays a previously closely held view of the world that, once aired publicly, changes things permanently,

"Mompetition" is a word that maybe you haven't heard of before.  I hadn't heard of it until an internet video making the rounds last week made me laugh out loud. The Urban Dictionary (a favorite site) defines mompetition as:

The one-up rivalry that moms play making their child seem better, smarter, and/ or more advanced than yours. May involve two or more moms and any number of children, even full-grown.

Mompetitions can transcend issues involving kids too - who has the nicest house, who is part of the "in crowd," vacations, husbands, money - all of the really toxic things that can ruin friendships.  But it's when  the kids get involved that things get especially tough.  Is there anything that makes us feel more vulnerable than our kids? Which kids made the team, made the grades, got the preferred teacher, etc.  That all goes hand-in-glove with the dreaded mompetition.

It's natural for us as people to want to cheer, and who better to cheer for than our own kids?  But, sometimes I wonder at what expense comes the mompetition or if the collective expectations about these competitions are reasonable.

I am not a mom, so I don't pretend to be an expert on these issues. My most relevant experience in understanding the dynamics here comes from my background in employment mediation.  In mediation, to solve a problem or quiet a controversy, you try and pry away the personal hard feelings central to a dispute and look at whose expectations are at least justified, then determine from those justified expectations which are at least reasonable and which ones aren't.  Most times if you take this patient approach and then look hard enough you can find a win/win scenario. 


In applying this rationale to the Alpha Mom in full bloom, you have to try and understand what she is competing with.  If the Alpha Mompetitor could step back and refine her understanding of competition to see that the competition is no less keen or compelling when it is focused inward, then the interpersonal relationships affecting that mom will be stronger, more enduring.

We all like winning, and I am no different when it comes to my kid winning. It's just that I believe in teaching the kids to compete against their own expectations and beliefs - to achieve at a level higher than they previously believed they could achieve. I also believe in teaching the kids to help others along the way.  It's been my experience that that is the hallmark of every great leader I have known - that they bring others along with them - get them to achieve more not by dominating them, but by teaching them, helping them.

If you always give your best, then the outcomes will take care of themselves. Achievements aren't diluted in the least if they don't come at the expense of another; but are instead leveraged on previous performance.

I get it; we all need to feel good about something - our jobs, our kids, our homes.  We all want some magic barometer that tells us that what we are getting out of life is somehow on par with what we are putting into it. And the easiest way to do that is to measure ourselves against someone in our similar situation.  Moms with kids in the same class; breast-feeding versus non-breast feeding moms, moms who vaccinate, etc.

But when competition is applied to the interpersonal relationships of the fairer sex, well there is a lurking danger with this kind of thinking. From where I sit, there is just something different about the way women communicate that turbo-charges this issue.

It is probably true, in general terms, that men practice friendliness and women practice friendships.  And there is some research that actually support this.  Men, in their general bucolic stupor, are quite capable of suffering the clumsy interpersonal affronts normal to relationships with far less intensity than are women. The empty-headed comment is made and then forgotten just as fast.

Disclaimer: I am saying "I think" here because I don't want to get in trouble at home or with my female relatives or friends. but secretly, I feel like I know this to be true.  As a man, I am just that dense - most times when someone is being insulting, or gossipy, mean-spirited or judgmental, I am clueless.  Generally speaking, it has been my experience in mediating conflicts that women are far more intuitive, more adept at seeing into the many layers of relationships and communications to pick up subtle things. I believe there are many circumstances where this intuition is a strength.  But, it also makes them far more susceptible to the harmful long term effects from the mompetitions.

So, despite having just learned the word, I can say with certainty that I don't much like the mompetitions

These mompetitions leave people wondering "what was won here?"  In many cases it is glaringly obvious what was lost:  trust, friendship, important affiliations and support networks.  Esteem.  It is certain that the mompetitions don't warm anyone's life and that the victories they bring to the mompetitors are transient at best.

In considering this issue, I am reminded of the Chinese proverb:

The tree long remembers what the axe soon forgets.

The axe thinks "no big deal, I am an axe.  I'm just doing my axe thing...."  But of the tree; I just wonder how long the tree will bear the mark of the axe just doing "its axe thing."

So that's what's rattling around in my head today.  Thanks for stopping by my blog.  Remember, whether you are the Tyrannosaurus Alpha Mompetitor, or you are the "Oil on Troubled Waters" type, I am glad you came by and shared some time with me.   And, don't forget, the tree long remembers what the axe soon forgets.

Dennis