An Extraordinary Ordinary hero...

This age of blogging and instant publishing - everything from the miraculous to the mundane is fair game for the on-line community.  Evidence of that fact is that on these very electronic pages, the two most popular stories are the one I wrote about Chicken Dino Nuggets and the one about how my wonderful daughter was one act of generosity away from never being born.  And Dino Nuggets is beating Miracle Daughter by about 150 pageviews. You just never know what written word will resonate with people.

Such is the case with this entry - which is about my mother.  She is not perfect; she'll be the first to tell you that.  But none of us are, are we?  She is, however, a wonder - I really think there ought to be a movie made of her life. 

There just don't seem to be any people like her, other than her, in my life. If she was a ship's captain, I would sail exclusively with her.  She has been surviving cancer since I was a young man - since 1985.  In that quarter of a century there have been close calls, and surgeries, and chemo, and moments of desperation.  All of what you would expect from a mother of four living with cancer.  Just consider - my sister was 12 when our mother was diagnosed with breast cancer.  When she began this road, she worried about what the diagnosis meant for her then 12 year old daughter and that daughter's three older brothers.  Now, those four kids have 13 kids themselves - the oldest of which will be 21 this year. 

What is remarkable about the last 25 years is the courage, peace, and heroism she has shown.  She is a living testament to the adage of "It ain't what happens to you that matters, it's how you deal with it that counts."  Through all of her struggles she has been upbeat, positive, and inspirational.  The leadership she has mustered in stealing her life back from this disease is an example my children will have to guide them the rest of their lives. Sadly, she is not a blogger - that much is all of our loss.  She has so many gifts - expression and understanding are two of her many impressive strengths.  It would be nice to have her impressions of the extraordinary heroism she has shown in the face of this perpetual uncertainty that is living with cancer.  She would blow it off, chalk it up to her parents and theirs who were exceptionally brave and strong people.  She would think herself "just ordinary."  Well, it is not the time for eulogies and there is lots left to do, but she shared some things recently that I wanted to pass along.

She maintains a page on line where she shares from time to time her feelings. With her permission, I will include her words here as the site's second-ever guest blogger.  Just a brief snapshot image, preserved here for my kids and other readers of these pages, so that all might know a little about this amazing woman who is my mom.  The post below was entered on her carepages site at www.carepages.com/joanscave

Dear Hearts and Gentle Friends, so we now have experienced 3 more months of great living. Here we have cause to pause and reflect. Consider what constitutes a 'normal' day. Joy, friendship, good food, adventure, stuff to do, people who love and need you and looking forward to tomorrow. We expect that tomorrow will be just like today. These great tomorrows seem endless. We never want them to change. Then one day, suddenly, it DOES change. No reason, just the ever progression of the stars and planets working their way through the vast hopes of tomorrow. Then, like Japan, suddenly all the tomorrows take on a new shape. We assign new priorities. The new priorities part is a good thing. It reminds us not to take tomorrow for granted. Don't spend today, as precious as it is, in anger, or worry or disappointment or other negative emotions. Those things won't change a thing only take away today. Not a good trade. Take my advice; I'm not using it myself at the moment. So this is where I am today.

I have thought long and hard about whether or not to share this with you. But I have decided that you are my balcony people. You are the wind beneath my wings. If you were not there, I would surely fall into the abyss of depression and hopelessness. There are those among you, and you know who you are, who are the fountains of optimism. You are always bright and sunny and bring me laughs and joy and hope and very importantly, distractions. God, how I need distractions. They are my lifeline. So, here's the scoop.

As you already know, that all important CA 27/29 has been steadily rising. Okay, we have done scans and tests and we don't know why it continues to rise. Formerly, my great fear was that the big C would reach my liver. We know it has done that. However, we also know that the drugs I have been given have put up a formidable front and that seems to be somewhat under control for the moment. However, still the numbers escalate. We are now in the 400's. The last place to look for activity is the brain. Cancer attacks places in the body that are rich in blood. That would be lungs, bones, liver and brain. We've covered 3 of the 4 and we know it's present in those 3 places to one degree or another. The most heavily infected is bone. The doctor now feels that the brain must be investigated.

I am very afraid. I don't have the optimism that some of you possess. I am at best, a weak pessimist. I have been accused, and rightly so, of being a perennial crepe hanger. Guilty. I always thought if it attacked my brain I wouldn't want to know. Just let me die in peace. But then, what if there is hope? What if it could be stopped? What if it isn't there.....yet? Is it better to know, or not know? If it's in my brain what will I do? Of course, if it isn't in my brain I will celebrate and still worry about where is it. I have had friends that have had cancer and they couldn't locate it and they died never knowing where it was. What are my tomorrows to be? You also know that I firmly believe that dying is not the worst thing than can happen to you. There are things that are much much worse. And if it is to be that my brain becomes a prison for my body, then I sincerely want the plug to be pulled and I will join my parents and others that I love that have gone before me. Ones that taught me not only how to live, but also how to die. I am so grateful for them.

Do I have a bucket list? You betcha. If I can't attain my bucket list will the sky fall? Probably not. The sun will continue to get up in the east and go down in the west. However there are things on my bucket list that I desperately want to accomplish. If I can't complete my mission, then I have to leave it to God to send in a replacement and I need to have the faith that He will do it. It's said that God never shuts a door without opening a window. Please, God, I pray that that is true.

So here I am. Please don't ask me how I am. Don't tell me that I'm brave. I don't feel very brave at the moment. I don't want to discuss this business. I just want distractions and fun and laughter with you my loved ones. So, ultimately, I am in God's hands. You are the messengers and the supporting angels. You are the carriers of God's messages of hope and love. I know you will lift me up. I know you will keep me in your prayers and that's all I ask. You are my balcony people that hold me aloft and make me feel loved and wanted. There is nothing better. I love you all and I will keep you informed.

The MRI of the brain is scheduled for Tuesday the 22nd. If the dr. calls me then I will know. If she doesn't call me, then I will feel better. My next appointment is scheduled for the 18th. I know you're there. I love you all. Let's all just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep showing up. Above all, keep breathing, stay vertical and mobile.

Love, ME

Thanks for stopping by my blog today, and for sharing the words from my mom.  She is a wonder.  I hope wherever you are, whoever you are with today - you look them squarely in the face and, if you love them, tell them.  And tell them why - because it's important that they should know.  And if there is something you can forgive, then forgive it - let it go.  A wise woman once told me "...don't spend today, as precious as it is, in anger, or worry or disappointment or other negative emotions. Those things won't change a thing; only take away today...."  I hope today, and for the rest of your days, you make each day a good one free from anger, worry, disappointment, or other negative emotions.

Dennis
smalltowndad@hotmail.com

Small Town Mompetitions

Recently I was reminded of the nature of competition.  The exact details aren't really important.  An old friend (female) was having some issues with a circle of women involved in a civic project.  One said the wrong thing to another, the other took offense thinking that her child, about whom the comment had been made, was slighted and it was on - the brawl to end it all, the war to settle the score - the Mompetition.

It's the same all over, isn't it? A group of moms is thrown together under whatever circumstances and it won't be long until it is obvious that one parent favors her child over another for some arbitrary reason. Maybe she seeks an advantage for her child over something pointless or perhaps says the wrong thing to another parent that betrays a previously closely held view of the world that, once aired publicly, changes things permanently,

"Mompetition" is a word that maybe you haven't heard of before.  I hadn't heard of it until an internet video making the rounds last week made me laugh out loud. The Urban Dictionary (a favorite site) defines mompetition as:

The one-up rivalry that moms play making their child seem better, smarter, and/ or more advanced than yours. May involve two or more moms and any number of children, even full-grown.

Mompetitions can transcend issues involving kids too - who has the nicest house, who is part of the "in crowd," vacations, husbands, money - all of the really toxic things that can ruin friendships.  But it's when  the kids get involved that things get especially tough.  Is there anything that makes us feel more vulnerable than our kids? Which kids made the team, made the grades, got the preferred teacher, etc.  That all goes hand-in-glove with the dreaded mompetition.

It's natural for us as people to want to cheer, and who better to cheer for than our own kids?  But, sometimes I wonder at what expense comes the mompetition or if the collective expectations about these competitions are reasonable.

I am not a mom, so I don't pretend to be an expert on these issues. My most relevant experience in understanding the dynamics here comes from my background in employment mediation.  In mediation, to solve a problem or quiet a controversy, you try and pry away the personal hard feelings central to a dispute and look at whose expectations are at least justified, then determine from those justified expectations which are at least reasonable and which ones aren't.  Most times if you take this patient approach and then look hard enough you can find a win/win scenario. 


In applying this rationale to the Alpha Mom in full bloom, you have to try and understand what she is competing with.  If the Alpha Mompetitor could step back and refine her understanding of competition to see that the competition is no less keen or compelling when it is focused inward, then the interpersonal relationships affecting that mom will be stronger, more enduring.

We all like winning, and I am no different when it comes to my kid winning. It's just that I believe in teaching the kids to compete against their own expectations and beliefs - to achieve at a level higher than they previously believed they could achieve. I also believe in teaching the kids to help others along the way.  It's been my experience that that is the hallmark of every great leader I have known - that they bring others along with them - get them to achieve more not by dominating them, but by teaching them, helping them.

If you always give your best, then the outcomes will take care of themselves. Achievements aren't diluted in the least if they don't come at the expense of another; but are instead leveraged on previous performance.

I get it; we all need to feel good about something - our jobs, our kids, our homes.  We all want some magic barometer that tells us that what we are getting out of life is somehow on par with what we are putting into it. And the easiest way to do that is to measure ourselves against someone in our similar situation.  Moms with kids in the same class; breast-feeding versus non-breast feeding moms, moms who vaccinate, etc.

But when competition is applied to the interpersonal relationships of the fairer sex, well there is a lurking danger with this kind of thinking. From where I sit, there is just something different about the way women communicate that turbo-charges this issue.

It is probably true, in general terms, that men practice friendliness and women practice friendships.  And there is some research that actually support this.  Men, in their general bucolic stupor, are quite capable of suffering the clumsy interpersonal affronts normal to relationships with far less intensity than are women. The empty-headed comment is made and then forgotten just as fast.

Disclaimer: I am saying "I think" here because I don't want to get in trouble at home or with my female relatives or friends. but secretly, I feel like I know this to be true.  As a man, I am just that dense - most times when someone is being insulting, or gossipy, mean-spirited or judgmental, I am clueless.  Generally speaking, it has been my experience in mediating conflicts that women are far more intuitive, more adept at seeing into the many layers of relationships and communications to pick up subtle things. I believe there are many circumstances where this intuition is a strength.  But, it also makes them far more susceptible to the harmful long term effects from the mompetitions.

So, despite having just learned the word, I can say with certainty that I don't much like the mompetitions

These mompetitions leave people wondering "what was won here?"  In many cases it is glaringly obvious what was lost:  trust, friendship, important affiliations and support networks.  Esteem.  It is certain that the mompetitions don't warm anyone's life and that the victories they bring to the mompetitors are transient at best.

In considering this issue, I am reminded of the Chinese proverb:

The tree long remembers what the axe soon forgets.

The axe thinks "no big deal, I am an axe.  I'm just doing my axe thing...."  But of the tree; I just wonder how long the tree will bear the mark of the axe just doing "its axe thing."

So that's what's rattling around in my head today.  Thanks for stopping by my blog.  Remember, whether you are the Tyrannosaurus Alpha Mompetitor, or you are the "Oil on Troubled Waters" type, I am glad you came by and shared some time with me.   And, don't forget, the tree long remembers what the axe soon forgets.

Dennis