"There are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something."

That was Thomas Edison's famous quote on rules.  To him there there were rules, and then there were rules.  And while for most of us, we aren't competing exactly with Edison's level of achievement, we nonetheless have to deal with certain rules governing or defining our existence.

I often joke with my son about how there are "SmallTownDad Rules."  Nothing new for me - my parents had them too.  For my dad, one example of those rules was: "Don't ever shine your flashlight down the outhouse..."  For my mom, the teacher, her famous rules were much more refined but nonetheless as practical as dad's.  One famous one was "If you want an answer right this second, I'll give you an answer right this second. I'm pretty sure you won't like it, but you'll get your answer."
 
So, I am preserving here for my kids a few of my "rules."  I am not sure if any of them mean anything except that nearly always - well around half the time anyway - they end up true.

1.  There is always a closer parking spot.  Now this one doesn't work at the local 7-11 or gas station.  But at the big-box store and the mall it is a near certainty to be true.  You just have to be patient.

2. In a small town, the person in traffic that you made that obscene gesture to at 9:00 am?  Yeah, that person almost certainly will be at the 10:00 am meeting you were rushing to.  Always always always...  I was at a birthday party at a local zoo, parked in the parking lot 8 miles away from any other car - just waiting for my daughter to come out when this little car zipped into the spot next to me like I was in some kind of dog-fight with her.  I can only imagine the look on my face, having watched this daredevil come within a hair's breadth of smashing into my car.  As the stuntwoman...I mean driver...exited her vehicle, I realized it was a woman I worked with for years who was volunteering at the zoo.  The 9:00 am rule always is true.

3.  There is always one more meal's worth of fuel in the propane tank, until there isn't.  I have two propane tanks for my grill - and propane compared to other fuels is relatively cheap - so there is really no excuse for not keeping the spare filled up other than a) I like the action of gambling a family dinner of strip steaks and corn on the cob against the odds that the grill will go stone cold two minutes after ignition; and b) keeping a second full propane tank in the garage is like keeping a second bomb sitting around.  Yes, I am well aware of the school of thought that says a real artiste would only work in charcoals - but I make no pretense of being an artiste.  I am a dad. 

4.  The Mirth Curth - just when I get up a good head of steam yelling at one or the other of these two kids, they will invariably crack me up.  It is no wonder there is no good order or discipline in this house.  Plenty of mirth, but certainly no good order or discipline :-)

5.  The more you blow off your wife's worrying about the sump pump not working, the more you virtually assure that the sump pump will stop working...in the middle of the night...in between pay days.

6.  The word "now"; while effective as a command to those younger than 10, is of no possible utility to a married man in his relationship with his wife.  Think of it - you can say to a kid "get in there and brush your teeth, Now!" and the kid will listen or at least understand you.  "Now" is an important word for kids.  But consider the difference it makes in the following, seemingly innocuous, sentences:  saying "What's wrong?" to your spouse takes on an entirely new meaning when presented as "what's wrong now?"

7.  The second you draw a line in the sand with that child, you know the one, who tells you she has to go potty every time there is a chore to be done; the second you say "No. Baloney.  You do this to me every time.  You can hold it until we finish cleaning the kitchen..."  Well that second will be the time you end up with a wet and smelly line in the sand and your wife asking you "what did you do, now?".

8.  Chocolate milk and fudgsicles are a terrible home remedy for Rota Virus.  That's all that needs to be said about that, ever.  Again.

9.  No matter how small the amount - liquid dish soap is never an acceptable alternative to dishwasher soap for the dishwasher.  If you doubt me, try it once. I promise you that in the aftermath you will achieve a new appreciation for the word "astonishing."

10.  Vernors and vanilla ice cream will cure all manners of scrapes, bumps, bruises, hurt feelings and suds-flooded kitchens.

So, a few of the rules of this house - shared for your utility and commentary.  Wherever you are tonight, I hope you find yourself in the company of those who would celebrate in your unusual and contradictory rules; those who would forgive your cold grill, and those whose glad heart will make you laugh even after you catch them writing on the walls in magic marker.

Thanks for stopping by my blog tonight - please feel free to share the basic or unique rules of your home here.

Dennis
smalltowndad@hotmail.com