Tyler it seemed wanted some privacy in their dorm room for an intimate encounter. Not an unheard of circumstance at any college dorm. Only with Tyler, the intimate encounter was with another man. So kids being kids, and technology being technology a bad plan was hatched to webcast Tyler's private moments to the world wide web. That bad plan was made worse when no one thought to say - "this is too much."
News of the broadcast reached Tyler and the supposition is that he killed himself rather than face the scandal of engaging in intimate acts identical to those being engaged in by thousands of college kids on hundreds of college campuses nationwide.
We know that Police pulled his body from the Hudson river yesterday after he left a note, on Facebook, that he was jumping off the George Washington Bridge. "Sorry" was what it said. The Middlesex County Coroner identified his body today. By all accounts he was a terrific kid.
So today. along with the student's family and friends, my thoughts are with the residence life staff at Rutgers. For eight years I was an RHD (Residence Hall Director) at a university in Michigan. In those eight years, it was one of the thoughts that scared me most - some student - feeling isolated, alone, would act out in desperation. You can see it in your mind - if someone had just been there to say "Tyler, are you ok?" maybe things would be different.
As a matter of fact, when I was a hall director most of the kids that came my way were terrific kids. There were loving, adoring, families behind them overflowing with pride at the accomplishments of the child they dropped at my doorstep. My commitment to the parents, aside from trying to engage their progeny to become more solid citizens, more independent critical thinkers and responsible adults, was that they would be leaving their kid someplace safe.
In training I used to tell the story that my dad told to me about the tanker in WWII who looks down at a paratrooper manning a foxhole and asks "Hey Mack, where's a safe place to park this tank?" To which the trooper replied "Right behind me, buddy." The same was true, to a far less dramatic degree, with the residence life staff at any given university.
The parents show up and, if you were able to strip away all the other worry and posturing, what you would see is that what they ultimately want is a safe place to leave their kid.
The res life professional's job is to look at them and say "right behind me, buddy."
So when we would meet with kids at the beginning of each school year, I would always include a couple of extra things in my annual speech to them:
1) There are mistakes you can make here that will follow you around the rest of your lives; try not to make them. The truth about college is that just about 6 out of every 10 kids who start college will graduate in 6 years.
Tyler's roommate and his friend have made just such a mistake.
2) Nothing will happen here that will justify suicide. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you are feeling like this might be a solution you are considering, then come and find somebody, an RA, me, a professor, a counselor - whoever. No one on a college campus or in a dorm is ever alone unless they want to be.
Tyler, sadly enough, chose suicide. Let me say it again, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That is the essence of hope. No matter how bleak your present is you cannot determine with any accuracy exactly what your future might be. But you can hope.
So maybe one of my nieces or nephews will someday read this; or perhaps too soon for my own comfort my son or daughter will be heading off to school and wanting to read dad's blog entries. To them I would say this:
Nothing can bring this student back. Nothing can restore his devastated parents. No miracle will act to reinstate the innocence of the kids involved in this. But I hope all kids contemplating college learn from this story. Learn that no matter what there is always hope. And if you are tempted to pull that prank, or victimize another for the "fun of it", then know that there is no right way to do a wrong thing. There is always the path to sound judgment, critical thinking, and leadership if you look for it. Learn to try hard to make good choices, whatever you do. ANd learn to avoid the bad choices.
Finally I hope residence life professionals view this story and re-dedicate themselves to creating University communities abundant with tolerance, acceptance, and learning. Make sure you keep open the doors of out-reach. Remember the starfish parable. If your res life program is any good, they taught it to you. If not, then here it is.
One morning an elderly man was walking on a nearly deserted beach. He came upon a boy surrounded by thousands and thousands of starfish. As eagerly as he could, the youngster was picking them up and throwing them back into the ocean.So anyhow, thanks for swinging by my soapbox today. I did not intend on an entry for today, and certainly not on such a topic as this, but even small town dads are not immune. My mother told me once that when you have kids, you're never the same - everybody's kids are your kids. Everything that happens to somebody else's kid could some day happen to your kid.
Puzzled, the older man looked at the young boy and asked, "Little boy, what are you doing?"
The youth responded without looking up, "I'm trying to save these starfish, sir."
The old man chuckled aloud, and queried, "Son, there are thousands of starfish and only one of you. You really think you can make a difference doing this?"
Holding a starfish in his hand, the boy turned to the man and, gently tossing the starfish back into the water, said, "I can to this one."
Wherever you are; whatever you are facing - please know this - no person ever walks alone. We are today reminded that, no matter what, there is always hope.
Dennis
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